Who am I?

When I was a child, I thought I would never grow up.

Adults were something to be respected or maybe even feared - after all they had all the answers and knew everything. In my childish awe and naiveté, I could not imagine ever becoming one of them.

I can remember in high school, when 'grown ups' who were 22 or 23 years old seemed so mature and wise to me.

Even when I first began working during college and afterward, I was always the youngest in the office or department, watching those with seniority, learning as much as I could. Never believing that I could ever be so respected or so full of knowledge.

When did I cross the line between being a kid, a 'young person', a youngster or a 'Miss'? From wearing cute, trendy clothes and listening to the freshest, most 'hip' music? From spending hours reading books, or wandering the mall and buying things 'on a whim'?

I look back on myself as a child and wonder how I could ever have been so intimidated by adults. It's amusing how young the 22 and 23 year olds seem nowadays - can these 'kids' really be out on their own, living their lives already?

No longer the 'youngest', but now looked to as an authority or the 'experienced' one in the department at work - laughing to myself at how little these 'newbies' seem to know.

I walk through the mall and watch the teenagers congregate in packs, giggling and eying the boys, and am confused by how strange the clothes have gotten - how can they wear such tight, revealing, confusing styles or listen to music with more bass than lyrics? Window shopping, I pass by the music and book stores to check out the latest department store sales and anxiously count my pennies.

Now I am the one saying 'no' and defeating childish dreams and whims. Making decisions that will affect the course of their lives. Signing medical forms and report cards and - since when are my children's teachers younger than me? How can it be almost 20 years since I last wore the blue and white of my high school with pride?

I have had a drivers license for more than half of my life. Been living away from my parents for as long as I lived with them. I now have as many years of experience as the boss who mentored me 10 years ago. And (sadly) as much gray hair as brown...

I am "Ma'am", not "Miss", not a youngster or 'hip'. From the moment my first child was born, I became responsible for a life not my own. And even though I see the things of my youth fading away and have to admit that somewhere along the line I did indeed 'grow up', I would not trade who I am right now for anything in the world.

I am Mom.

Even if sometimes I still don't feel like I'm anywhere near grown-up enough to be!


This post was written as a submission for the November Write-Away Contest at Scribbit on the topic of "My life is different because of...".

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