It's happened again.

Why, oh why do I keep letting our bank account get overdrawn? We're out another $300 in stupid fees that we can't afford because this was the big check of Ron's that was going to let us catch up on bills (finally) and buy groceries that we sorely need.

There's not enough in there right now even to cover the daycare check that I wrote earlier this week. And then there's next week's daycare... And gas for both cars... Not to mention the fact that we are out of almost everything food-wise. And there's the darn 99 cent pencil box that is the only school supply that we need to buy for Abby before Tuesday and we can't even afford that now. Knowing we were going to get this big check today, Ron paid more than half of what we owed for cable/internet/phone last night so it wouldn't get turned off today. We should've just let those go, but we thought we'd be ok once Ron got paid today.

I just want to go hide in a corner and cry.

(I do get paid next Thursday but that money was supposed to pay the mortgage... sigh)

So much for saving money on daycare this fall...

So I am really frustrated. We've been waiting for a year, since I came back to work, for this school year to start since with both older girls in school, we'll be saving a bunch of money on daycare.

Or so we thought.

I dropped the girls off at daycare this morning and our daycare provider didn't say one word to me that wasn't normal every day conversation.

Then I got to work and found this e-mail in my inbox (written yesterday):

Hi Deb,

I want to apologize...I made a mistake when figuring your fall tuition.

Becca will stay the same, $150. Hannah will stay at $100, technically she should be $125 because even though she will be going to school, she will be here more then 4 hours per day and is taking up a full time space. Abby can stay at the $2.50 per hour, but I charge my other before and after school kids $5 per hour. I gave you a break in the beginning because I know that having 3 kids in daycare is expensive. I will offer a discount for the fall as well. I again apologize. The way I have it figured now is~

Becca $150

Hannah $100

Abby $12.50

total $262.50 per week.

I will have a new contract for you to sign with the new tuition on it. The contract is the same, just the total tuition will change. As before, tuition is still due on Mondays.

I hope this works for you, I am sorry for messing this up...I feel terrible. It seems we never have time to chat, this email seems so impersonal.

Have you heard from the doctor in regards to Abby's testing? I am sure that when she starts school they will also have some resources for you. Please let me know if I can help in any way. She had a good summer, I know this last week will be the hardest!

If you have any questions, please feel free to let me know. I don't know if I will have the chance to check my email until Monday evening, things are busy during the day.

Thanks, and again I'm sorry for my mistake!

This is after I'd sent her an e-mail a couple of weeks ago verifying what I thought we'd be paying this fall, and she wrote back agreeing with me.

What really bothers me is two things. First, she could've said something to me this morning in person when she saw me - even just a "hey, I sent you an e-mail" kind of a heads-up would've been nice.

And yes, Hannah will be there for 5 hours. But Hannah will be there the exact same hours that Abby was during the last school year. Abby cost us $62.50/week even though she was technically "taking up a full time space" then. And now we need to pay $100/week for the same hours? This just doesn't make sense to me at all.

Sigh.

Somehow it seems like we just can't ever get ahead. I was really looking forward to our daycare bill finally being lower than our mortgage payment and maybe having extra money to get caught up on bills...

Sorry - I know it's a drop in the bucket compared to what other people are going through and dealing with, but I just needed a chance to vent. Back to what you were doing! :)

Three weeks until school starts...

It’s Friday, Ron and I both got paid this week and I’m getting a headache as I sit here staring at a stack of bills that I still can’t pay. Why not? Because we have to pay the mortgage (late) because the money that should’ve gone to pay the mortgage had to go to pay last month’s bills because the money that should’ve paid those went to pay July’s mortgage because the money that should’ve paid July’s mortgage went to - our credit union. And other various merchants after I mistakenly overspent our checking account in June.

I was hoping we could be caught back up by now, but it hasn’t happened yet. And I sit here staring at these bills and I know why I am so excited for school to be starting in a few weeks. Other than my kids starting new experiences and making new friends, that is. Why I am jumping out of my seat, waving my hands in the air, screaming at the top of my lungs excited!

One word – daycare. Or lack of, that is. With Abby starting first grade (full days!) and Hannah starting Young 5’s (half days, but M-F!), our daycare bill will go down to below $300/week for the first time this year. Depending on what we’ll have to pay for the one hour that Abby will be there after school, we’ll be saving close to $100/week over what we were paying last school year and even more than that compared to the $350/week we’re paying right now since supervised playground is over for Abby. Well more than half of Ron’s paycheck every week is going to pay for daycare. For 3 more weeks. Until school starts on September 4^th and I will gladly write a smaller check to daycare knowing that we’ll have that extra money to help us get caught back up. At least until we have to start shopping for Hannah’s birthday in November. And Christmas…

Lunch date and finances

I had lunch today - with my husband - and with no kids. We did this last week too, but the entire lunchtime discussion revolved solely around Harry Potter, as my attempts at otherwise engaging Ron in conversation miserably failed. Today was very nice though - we ate at a 'real' restaurant (i.e., one with no waiting in line to give your order and carrying your food to the table yourself) and actually had an enjoyable time that did not involve crayons, whining, food on the floor or anyone ducking under the table. What a concept!

We talked about several things - one of which was ways that we can improve our budgeting skills and keep from overspending. We came up with a couple of very simple things that we're going to try.

Back when I originally used to keep the checkbook, I tracked everything in the checkbook register, like you're 'supposed' to do. For a while I also used Quicken, but everything was written down in the register as well. A few years ago when Ron took over the checkbook, he set up an Excel spreadsheet to track everything in and only entered transactions into that. This frustrated me to no end since I couldn't just pick up the checkbook and see where things were at. Having to turn on the computer, wait for it to boot up, open up Excel, find the checkbook file - you get the idea. I thought about buying a PDA and entering in debits as I made them right after leaving the store. As much as the technical equipment-loving, geeky side of me liked that idea, I couldn't justify the cost. Then last year, it got so neither of us wanted to keep up the checkbook - it was just way too depressing.

When I came back to work last fall, I took the checkbook back over. I still use Ron's Excel file since it's handy to categorize things and be able to quickly sum up lists of expenses. Every few days, I download our transactions from our handy credit union website and update the Excel file. But, it's still been annoying that we can't see our status at a glance. We also tend to use the debit card way too just because it's - well, it's just there and much too easy to pull out and use.

So, here are our ideas from today to help get things under control:

1. First of all, that I will print out the last day or two of our checkbook transactions every Friday after I update the Excel file with Ron's paycheck information and bring the sheet home for us to refer to over the weekend (which is the biggest danger zone for overspending for us).
2. Daycare is due every Monday for that week. I've been paying it on Tuesday or even Wednesday a few times because we've 'dipped' into that money the previous weekend and I have to hope that the check doesn't clear until Friday when Ron gets paid again. Hmmm, see the problem here? Especially when I forget to record the darn daycare check and then pay other bills with that money... So, since Ron is paid every Friday, I'm going to start paying daycare on Fridays for the next week instead of waiting until Monday or Tuesday. That way the money for that comes out immediately (or at least is recorded immediately) so we know exactly how much we have left for the weekend and next week.
3. Ron eats out almost every day for lunch. Yes, this is a bad idea when you're struggling financially. Yes, it's not healthy since he eats fast food almost every day. However, I've pretty much given up the fight on this one because a) there is literally nothing he will eat that he can take with him since he is out on the road every day with nowhere to re-heat food and even with a cooler, he's found it impossible to keep cold food cold in his truck. And b) even with eating fast food every day for lunch, the guy has lost over 30 pounds since he started this job because he's so active every day. But, it's still hitting us financially. Not to mention that I'll often take the girls out for lunch or dinner on the weekends just for a change or for somewhere to go since Ron's often working. Which is more money being wasted. So... Every Friday when I leave work, I will stop on my way to get the girls from daycare and pick up $57 in cash. Of that, $25 will go to Ron for lunches and $25 for me for miscellaneous stuff (taking the girls out to lunch or to go do something fun, or snacks/lunches for myself during the week). When our weekly money is gone, nothing more gets spent that week. The other $7 will go to the girls for an allowance - something we've been meaning to do anyway. I'm thinking $4/week for Abby and $3/week for Hannah (and then having them each give $1 at church every week out of 'their' money). Hopefully this will curb the impulse spending that we do.

There's more to work on, like coming up with a regular schedule for grocery shopping - something we've really been struggling with since Ron started this job and his hours are so unpredictable. And setting a budget for expenses in general. But hey - baby steps... And I think that these ideas will help out a lot.

What budgeting/financial tips do you have that work well for your family? I'd love to know!

Ten years (part 2)

Writing the 2^nd half of my ‘Ten Years’ topic is going to be hard for me. Mainly because it deals with an issue which I’ve been struggling with for over 6 years.

I Want To Be Home With My Kids

It’s something I never considered before Abby was born – I just knew that I would have to go back to work after my maternity leave and I never thought much about it. Until she was born and I realized that my life’s ambition, my career goal and the one thing I wanted more than any other was to be home with my baby girl every single day.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of obstacles to this goal. Bad financial decisions that Ron and I each made before we even met (remember my ever-growing credit card?) caused a lot of debt. And I have a degree – Ron does not. For most of our marriage, I have made twice what he’s made in salary. And our insurance has almost always been through my job – his employers have either not offered insurance at all, or have offered insurance that would be unaffordable, especially if we went down to one income. At the time Abby was born, our health insurance was FREE through my job. Yes, one bonus for government employment is usually very good benefits.

We’ve tried having Ron be the ‘at-home’ parent. Twice. First, when Abby was 4 months old and I couldn’t stand the thought of her in daycare (we weren’t thrilled with the one we’d found) and just wanted her home, even if it wasn’t with me. Then again after we moved here to the Grand Rapids area and Ron got a job with a friend of his where he worked part-time from home for the first several months. In both cases, he realized after a few months that he is not cut out to be at home. He doesn’t have the patience for it and he wasn’t happy. And therefore the girls weren't happy either.

When we had Hannah, I came very close to quitting my job and staying home to do in-home daycare. When I say close, I mean that I had applied for licensing and it was down to the last couple of months before her birth where I was 100% sure that I was going through with that plan. But, we both had doubts about the financial aspect – mainly the reliability of the income, as well as the insurance issues and I let Ron talk me into going back to work ‘temporarily’ after my maternity leave ended. Which turned into 3 years.

So when we got pregnant with Becca, my goal was to absolutely find a way to stay home. Ron was supportive – he knows how much I want to be home and he has never vetoed the idea, as long as it didn’t hurt us financially. I looked into the home daycare idea again because I liked the idea of having other kids around for my kids to play with and I like kids so I thought it would be fun. Ron still had major concerns (as did I) about the financial aspects of it but this time I was sure that everything was pointing me at this being the path that I was meant to take.

So, enter in 2006. It started off amazingly – Becca was born in January and was beautiful and wonderful. I had 3 months of maternity leave to look forward to and to finalize my plans. So I only had 5 weeks of disability pay (at 60% of my salary) – we’d make that stretch. And of course I would find the 3 full-time (or equivalent) kids that I needed to watch in order to keep us afloat.

Things we hadn’t considered:

1. In the current economy in Michigan, families are struggling and finding creative alternatives to full-time daycare whenever possible. Many families include someone who is out of work and therefore able to care for children.

2. Starting a new business like daycare, at only a couple of months postpartum and with 2 other small children at home as well is not always wise.

3. You can only cut so much and 1/3 of the income doesn’t go very far especially when you were struggling to begin with. Saving on our own daycare costs didn’t make enough of a difference.

4. It sucks to be without health insurance. Thankfully there are programs to cover the kids, but adults are much more expensive to cover – if you can even find one that will accept you.

2006 was the year of my bad choice. Yes, I can say that now. Leaving my secure, full-time, fairly high income, $20/month for health insurance for all of us job – as much as I struggled with work/home balance, as much as I hated how inflexible and less family-friendly the company was becoming, as much as I felt like they were subtly pushing me out the door – probably not the best choice as I look back on things. Yes, I am so glad to have had the extra time home with the girls, especially Becca. But in the long run, I don’t know if it was worth everything that we went through last year. Almost losing our house (we came closer than I even dare to think about). Completely trashing our credit because of late payments on everything, plus our bankruptcy (a whole other story there). The stress all of this took on our marriage and therefore our kids as well… I had more time home with the girls, but it wasn’t quality time. I was depressed, anxious, stressed out and exhausted. I did watch one child last summer – a baby less than a month older than Becca. So I had 2 babies to watch plus the two older girls who got almost no attention since the babies took up almost all of what energy I had. We did have some fun times, but the older girls were on their own playing a lot more than I had wanted – the arts and craft projects, fun field trips and everything else I thought I would do with my home daycare just never happened.

So I looked for a new job. As well as desperately looking for more kids to watch – anything to get us back on our feet. In July, I got an interview and then a job. A good job, although still making considerably less than I was before. But a job in a field related to my own and that I like much better. A job to save our house and our family. And so here I sit at work typing this (shhh!). Ten years. A lot of changes. My dream ‘job’ is still to be a stay-at-home mom. I am jealous of all of the support out there for at-home moms and the things I can never take my kids to. MOPS groups, playgroups, internet support groups, library story hours, daytime classes and lessons. ‘Working’ moms have a hard time meeting other moms because between work and keeping up with home chores, there’s just no time. I try – I belong to message boards where I can never make it to the playgroups and Mom’s Night Out events. The girls sing in church choir one evening a week. Abby played soccer for the past 2 years, on Saturdays and evenings. We’ve done evening swimming lessons. We’ve met parents through preschool. But almost every mom I know stays home, either full-time or part-time. And I so wish that I could.

Ten years (part 1)

It's amazing how much changes in 10 years. And how odd that the two most stressful years of my life are separated by almost exactly 10 years. Am I a completely different person from who I was back then? Certainly. Am I a better person? I have no idea.

This really starts in 1996 when I gave up a job as an Administrative Assistant - a steady, somewhat high-income (I actually made more than most entry-level jobs in my own field), full-time job with benefits to follow my then-boyfriend to another city where he had gotten a job. Yes, my job wasn’t exactly in my field (I’d gone to school for urban planning and planning jobs were extremely hard to come by without a Master’s Degree at the time) or terribly challenging, (ok downright boring at times) but I liked the company and the people. And the chance was there to advance, even if in a field other than the one I’d gone to school for. I lived in Kalamazoo, where I’d lived for 6 years (in college and afterward) and really knew and liked the area. I had close friends there. But the lure of something new, in a new city, with someone I (thought I) loved, was too much to pass up. I moved to Midland with Shawn. I did find a new job - although making less than my previous job, it was at least a step closer to being in my field. I was a Planning Assistant for the transit authority in a nearby city. Not exactly City Planning, but planning nonetheless. And I liked this job too. I learned a lot about computer networking and programming and took classes at the local community college. I learned a very rudimentary GIS (I know – more about that at some point!) system for creating and maintaining bus routes. I made a couple of friends. But, I didn’t really like the area – I was homesick for the west side of Michigan. And the relationship with Shawn was rocky. Was this the best choice I could have made? Who knows – although I sometimes wonder where I’d be right now if I had stayed in Kalamazoo. Maybe somewhere better than I am now, but maybe worse too. And I wouldn’t have my kids – at least not the same ones I have now. And I can’t imagine not having Abby, Hannah or Becca.

1997 was a year of changes. First, Shawn got a better job in the Detroit area. After giving up one job I liked to follow him, I wasn’t willing to do so again, especially when the relationship wasn’t always great. We were engaged, but wedding plans had been put on hold a couple of times. So we compromised and moved to Davison, an area halfway between my job and his. This added a 45-minute commute (along with associated gas costs) to my life. I knew nobody in Davison and liked the area even less than I had Midland. At least once a month I drove the 3 hours to visit friends back near Kalamazoo.

Memorial Day weekend, 1997. Ten years ago (plus a few weeks). My two closest friends, Mary and Kristi, and I had gotten together at Mary’s house along with their husbands and Shawn. The guys were doing something upstairs – I can’t remember what. Us girls were in the basement playing a game. And plotting. After seeing how Shawn treated me (he was never violent with me, but he had a horrible temper which he took out on inanimate objects - he once punched a hole in our bedroom door during an argument - and he did talk down to me a lot. I have no doubt things would’ve escalated in time, which is what had my friends concerned), Mary and Kristi basically told me that I needed to leave him and they would do everything they could to help. Instead of feeling anger or irritation at their butting into my life, I just felt an incredible sense of relief. I wasn’t happy, but didn’t really know how to change things. Just that offer of help was enough to motivate me to make the changes that I knew (down deep inside) that I needed to make. This is one decision I really don’t regret at all.

Within a week, plans were made. I’d lined up an apartment in the city where I worked, and started sneaking boxes home and hiding them in the basement of our townhouse. By whatever chance or God’s grace, I had never signed the lease papers – I hadn’t been available when Shawn signed everything and after 5 months hadn’t made it in there to do so myself (I think I somehow knew I wasn’t going to be there long). So I had no obligation toward the lease. We had a joint checking account but after the bills for that month were paid, not much was left. So I simply took my latest check and opened an account for myself and took my name off of the joint account. Why all of this stealth and worry? I truly believed that once Shawn found out I was leaving, he would take out his anger and frustration – not necessarily on me, but on my stuff. So I was convinced that I had to move everything out before he found out. And that’s exactly what happened. Mary and her husband Dave came up the weekend after Memorial Day – the next Monday actually, so that Shawn would be gone at work (45 minutes away) all day. I’d rented a truck and we packed and loaded as quickly as the three of us could. I left Shawn with most of the furniture and pretty much just took what I’d brought into the relationship or had myself bought since. We packed things in garbage bags and whatever else we could find (I have hundreds of books, which were the hardest to deal with). And when we were ready to head out, I called Shawn at work and told him that I was moving out – had already moved out. He was upset and angry but I still don’t know if he would’ve reacted as badly as I thought if I’d told him beforehand.

It was a hard decision, really. I wrote a long letter to Shawn’s mom, explaining why I felt I had to leave and in the way that I did. I hoped that it would be a ‘wake up’ call to him that he had some changes that he needed to make in his life and that he really needed help to make them. I didn’t talk to him for a while after that but within a couple of months we were back in touch – as ‘friends’ only. Not really even friends – just friendly acquaintances really. And within a year after that we’d pretty much lost touch completely, which was ok. I haven’t talked to him in years now. I know he is doing well and living in Kalamazoo (of all places!) and I do wish him well.

1997 was a year of 5’s . Five months living with Shawn in Davison. Five months living by myself on the east side of the state. I looked at all kinds of options – graduate schools, other jobs in the state and elsewhere. I spent money and increased my credit card debt significantly since I really didn’t make enough money to cover all of my bills.

In October, I got a call out of the blue from Muskegon about a job that I’d applied for months previously and hadn’t gotten. They had another opening and wanted to interview me again. This time I got the job. Back on the west side of the state where I’d been happiest. Closer to my friends and my beloved Lake Michigan (I had missed the beaches and sunsets!). A new beginning, really. So in November, I packed yet again and moved for the 3^rd time that year (boy was my credit card suffering!). Mary and Dave helped me yet again – something I’ve always been grateful for. This change put me on the path that led me ultimately to Ron, marriage and my girls. Ten years ago.

Dear Credit Union...

I promise I'll drop this and stop posting about it, but I just had to share this e-mail that I wrote to our credit union today at lunch, after a very unsatisfactory phone call with the manager of our local branch that ended with me in tears in my car and walking around work this afternoon with very red eyes and makeup that's been washed away. This will end it - I'm sure it won't affect anything, but it helped to write it and know that someone out there at the credit union will at least read it.

Hello.
I have talked with the manager of our branch and I know that you have helped us in the past and that you have no reason to now. And that your policy is to help once and that's it. I know that the error which was made, causing the snowball effect that took place in our checking account on Monday, was mine. I know all of these things. But I can only hope that you will help us anyway.

Yes, our account was overdrawn a lot in 2005/2006. We got ourselves into a horrible financial mess that took months to climb out of. In August of 2006, you helped us by waiving a lot of fees that had incurred when we hit rock bottom. We were behind on everything. We almost lost our house. In August, I found a full-time job, my husband changed jobs and we began to fix things. Since that time, we have been able to bring all of our bills current and to work out our mortgage issues with our company so that our mortgage loans are finally back in good standing. We are still struggling but have been trying to build up a small savings account as well as an account toward Christmas gifts for our 3 children this year. We have been trying to think ahead.

Last week, I made a mistake. Actually a couple of them. I forgot to record a check for $312.50. Therefore, when I went to pay our 2nd mortgage payment of $379, I mistakenly thought that we had more money than we did. It was my error - I should not have made that house payment. We may still have gone overdrawn (mistake #2) but it wouldn't have been at the scale of what happened this week. However, when both the check and the mortgage payment cleared, it started a snowball effect where every small debit card purchase that we made over the weekend (before we knew there was a problem) caused massive amounts of overdraft fees. At this time, our account is over $700 withdrawn.

My paycheck tomorrow will bring us back into the positive. However, this check was meant to pay our regular mortgage payment for July, with only a few dollars extra. Instead, it will have to go almost entirely to clean up my mess. Yes, my mess. I caused it, I know that I should fix it. But it isn't just affecting me. My father-in-law is lending us money for a few days to try and bring the account positive, but we have to pay him back on Friday. My husband is taking as many overtime hours as he can get in order to earn as much money as possible to cover the amount I cost us. My kids don't see their father enough as it is, and now will see him even less. Our daycare provider is being wonderful and letting us pay her late this week and next, but that affects her income and ability to pay her own bills on time. And the couple of hundred dollars that we've been able to save so far toward Christmas this year will be completely wiped out to help cover the fees. Our bills will get behind again and I have no idea how long it will take to get caught back up again. I screwed up. Badly. You have no reason to help us. I only can pray that you will anyway.

Thank you for listening,
Deb S.

Here's their response:

Your account has been reviewed and at this time, no additional fees will be refunded unless charged in error by the credit union. Please take advantage of our website at ** , Compu-phone (automated system) at **, and monthly statements to view and monitor past and current transaction activity. By reconciling the account frequently, you will avoid costly fees in the future.

Thank you,

Member Communication Center

I wrote them back the following and haven't heard anything since:

I do reconcile our account frequently using the on-line tools - usually every few days. I had done so on Friday the 22nd and went into the account to do so again on Tuesday the 25th since debit card charges from the weekend usually take a day or two to show up. I don't like the implication that we don't monitor our accounts - we do. It just wasn't enough this time. Everyone makes mistakes and I freely admit that this was mine. Apparently you do not care very much about your customers.

I am extremely disappointed - not so much that you won't help us, I pretty much expected that. But the lack of a personal response and the curt, unfriendly tone of your e-mail that implies that we don't know how to manage our money is very unnecessary. We manage our money just fine - we simply don't have much to begin with. For an organization that bills yourself as a place where "You Matter", I don't get any kind of feeling that we matter to you at all. I find that very sad.

And that's apparently the end of it. Now we figure out how to fix things.

Three things

Ok, I’m not going to vent and whine anymore just yet. Even though our account is now more than $700 overdrawn and the credit union appears to be unwilling to work with us at all. Nope, I need to think positive and not dwell on the fact that all July 4^th plans are now shot and Ron is going to be working as many overtime hours as he can to help us eventually out of this mess, which means even less time that the girls will see him. And I’m not going to beat myself up about the fact that this is ALL MY FAULT. Nope, I’m not. Honest.

Well, maybe just a little bit. But I am really trying to keep things in perspective and remain thankful for everything that we have. In the grand scheme of things, this is something we’ll look back at 10 years from now, and laugh at – I hope.

To distract myself, here’s my response to the MamaBlogga Group Writing Project. The question is, “Three things I want my kids to…” So here goes.

Three things I want my kids to… say to each other.

“Here, Hannah/Abby – you take the *insert name of toy here*, I’ll play with something else”. Now, wouldn’t this be a nice refreshing change from the “I had that first!” or “She took my *whatever toy they’re fighting about right now*!” that all of us parents are subjected to day after day? As a refreshing change or if you guys want to see Mommy’s jaw hit the floor – maybe just try it, even once? Who knows – you might even have fun with the toy that your sister doesn’t want to play with right now. I know that the yelling, pushing, grabbing, shoving, whining and tattling are all so enjoyable, and that the two of you get tired of spending all day and night with each other right now while school is out, but really, think about it. Please.

“I’m going to tell Mommy on you!” Yes, I know this is usually followed by hunting me down and reciting a litany of injustices that your sister has committed against you. But, maybe you could consider telling me that she shared her favorite toy with you, or that she drew a great picture. As a Mom, I hear every negative thing that you two do to and for each other, but I know that there are times when you have a lot of fun with each other too and I would love to hear more about some of them!

“I love you” Now I hear the two of you say this a lot. To me. And to Daddy. But I can’t remember the last time I heard either of you say it to the other. And you do love your sister. I know you do. You may not think so at times and I’m sure that as you get older there will be things that make you (and I) doubt that this is true, but it is. Believe me. You Uncle Donnie and I never said this to each other until we were grown and it was such an odd, awkward moment when we started saying it at the end of phone conversations. And it really shouldn’t be – it should be the easiest thing in the world to say. So start now. You won’t regret it later, I promise.

I know that the two (three actually – this all goes for Becca too) of you will always have conflicts and that you won’t get along every single moment. But just think – not everyone has a sister and you guys are so lucky to have 2 of them. I always wanted a sister when I was growing up and as much fun as Uncle Donnie could be, it wasn’t quite the same. You have a built-in confidante, playmate, and friend. Respect each other. Love each other. And for goodness sake, please stop arguing with each other over every little thing. My sanity just can’t take any more of it.

I screwed up

We are so screwed. I don't know how I did it, but I forgot to record a check last week. Not just a check, our daycare check. Which means that we had $300 less than I thought we had. Which means that when I paid our home equity loan payment (that was higher than expected) it was with money that we didn't have. And every other little thing we bought was with money we didn't have. And the $200 of groceries I bought last night was with money we didn't have.

Our checking account is currently -$589. And I haven't even paid daycare for this week yet. And who knows how many debit charges are out there that haven't cleared yet - each with another $30 overdraft fee. We've got $300 in fees already just in the past 2 days.

I get paid on Thursday which should cover the negative balance, fees and daycare - but that money is supposed to pay our mortgage for July. Which we now can't pay. We just spent the past 6 months dragging ourselves out of the hole that we were in last year and now I put us right back into it. And it's all my own fault.
Excuse me -

I'm sitting here at work in tears - I can't even concentrate. I am so damn mad at myself! Now I have to call daycare and beg her to let us pay her several days late. And it's my own damn fault.

3:00 pm - update. We're now at -$662... I did call our credit union and beg them to take pity on us and see if they could reverse even some of the fees. Unfortunately our financial mess last year caused a few overdrafts that they kindly reversed then, so I'm told that the chances are slim that they can help us now. Sigh.